Why trying to be ‘good’ is in fact ruining your life

There is this invisible, toxic ‘disease’ that soooo many women are infected with but don’t even realise is making their lives miserable.

Let’s look at some of the symptoms of this harmful ‘disease’.

They could be:

• You are feeling drained and resentful without really knowing why.
  
• You put everyone else’s needs – those of your kids, partner, parents, your employer – above your own.
  
• You feel that in life in general, you give more than you get.
  
• You always go above and beyond to make sure everyone is happy.
  
• You struggle saying ‘no’ or asking for what you want and need.
  
• You care a lot about what other people think of you, probably more than you’d like to admit.
  
• Your biggest fear is not being liked, being labelled as a diva/bitch or too demanding.
  
• You tackle criticism poorly and tend to take it personally.
  
• You go to great lengths to maintain peace in the house, in the relationship and/or at work.
  
• You often end up tolerating sh*tty behaviour from others because you are too afraid to ‘rock the boat’.

I could go on and on but I think you are starting to get the picture.

Can you guess the harmful disease I’m talking about?

Yep, it’s people pleasing and self-abandonment merged into one toxic cocktail a lot of women are ingesting on a daily basis… often subconsciously.

And when I say toxic, I mean toxic to THEMSELVES. Slowly poisoning their life force energy and sucking the joy and aliveness out of them.

As someone who was a self-abandoning people pleaser for the majority of my life (in particular when it came to the opposite sex), it saddens me to see so many women still trapped in this paradigm we have been conditioned into for generations. Which is exactly why I’m writing this blog post right here. My hope is to open the eyes of more women and help them break the patterns that secretly squeeze all the juice out of their lives.

What is people pleasing and why do so many women do it

Let’s unpack.

In simple terms, people pleasing can be defined as the habitual pattern of prioritising other people’s needs, desires, or approval over our own, often at the expense of our wellbeing, boundaries, or authenticity.

People pleasing usually arises from a mix of psychological, emotional, and social factors:

1. Fear of rejection or abandonment

• Wanting others to like us or be accepted, having a deep-rooted need to belong.

2. Low self-worth or self-validation

• Believing our value depends on being useful, agreeable, or helpful (when in fact, we are valuable just as we are and solely because we exist, not because of what we can do for others).

3. Conflict avoidance

• Wanting to keep the peace or maintain relationships at all costs (which is again linked to low self-worth and/or scarcity thinking, believing there aren’t better options out there or that we aren’t able to find anyone better)

4. Overdeveloped empathy or sensitivity

• Highly attuned to others’ needs/emotions, often at our own expense.

5. Societal messaging / gender roles + childhood conditioning

• Being praised for “good behaviour” and punished for asserting ourselves (different standards applied to girls than to boys).
• Women are often expected to be caretakers, supportive, nurturing, and selfless.
• Phrases like ‘be nice’, ‘don’t rock the boat’, or ‘think of others first‘ reinforce it.

The shadow side of being good

An interesting aspect of people pleasing worth shining a light on is that while it often looks selfless on the surface… underneath, it can actually be a form of control. It’s when we bend over backwards for others in hopes they’ll like us, choose us, or not abandon us. 

It’s certainly not malicious, it’s simply part of our survival instinct. But when our ‘goodness’ is a strategy to get approval or love, it’s no longer kindness – it’s both manipulation and self-abandonment dressed up as virtue.

Hidden long-term consequences

Another downside worth noting is that when people pleasing becomes deeply ingrained, it can have far-reaching consequences that impact all – or many – aspects of our lives, and we might not even realise it.

For example:

• Lost opportunities (saying yes to others means saying no to your dreams).
  
  
• Physical toll (burnout, autoimmune issues, exhaustion – suppressed or toxic emotions are often directly linked to physical disease, although conventional medicine doesn’t typically emphasise this link)
  
  
• Relationship cost (resentment, imbalance, attracting or keeping partners who take advantage)
  
  
• Identity loss (feeling like ‘I don’t even know who I am anymore’, because all our focus is on other people)

All of the above are significant ways people pleasing can cause long-term harm. I hope they serve as a wake-up call if you recognise yourself in any of the above.

The harmful programming behind people pleasing

The thing is, most of the time women are not even aware of the people-pleasing / self-abandonment pattern (just like I wasn’t). That’s because of how deeply ingrained it is in our society, being reinforced in school, family, media, and culture. As a result, we just think we are being kind, caring and thoughtful, when in fact, we are secretly harming ourselves.

A lot of the people-pleasing and self-abandonment tendencies can be traced back to the ‘good girl’ mentality most of us women are conditioned into through our upbringing. 

From early on, girls are often rewarded for cooperation, nurturing, and politeness (while boys are rewarded for independence and assertiveness). And many therapists note that women present more frequently with burnout, anxiety, and resentment linked to over-accommodation.

Therefore, it’s not a coincidence that women people please more than men – because women are socialised to be more accommodating and relationally focused than men, and we are taught that our value is tied to caring for others. 

We can most certainly ‘thank’ patriarchy for that. It serves the patriarchy that the women stay small, humble and self-sacrificing. Because a woman embracing her power, her boundaries and her self-worth is a threat to the system.

But it is also something that is passed down from mothers to their daughters, and promoted by institutionalised religion (sacrifice, obedience, serving others). Which is why I’m so strongly anti-religion, because it’s really just a tool to control the masses (but that’s a post for another time).

I was blind for decades

It took me nearly four decades to realise that I was people pleasing a lot, and how harmful it is (better late than never, though!).

You see… I used to take such pride in being a ‘good girl’. I thought it was my golden ticket to everything in life – but boy, was I wrong. Instead, what I got, was people (and men in particular) walking all over me, my needs being neglected and me selling my soul for other people’s approval.

It actually still hurts a bit to type this, as I feel sorry for my younger self who simply didn’t know any better. All she was doing was being the obedient, self-sacrificing human she had been raised to be.

However, starting on my personal growth and spiritual awakening journey truly opened my eyes. Once I understood the underlying dynamics, it became quite sickening. 

I remember when I first heard the saying ‘Good girls go to heaven, bad girls get what they want’. Ouch. This uncomfortable truth hit me like a ton of bricks. And while I’m not advocating for being ‘bad’, sadly women who live unapologetically and put themselves first, are often vilified in our society – by both men and other women (the finest example of patriarchy in action). Workplace double standards are a great example of this – assertive men are perceived as leaders, while assertive women are seen as bossy or difficult.

The paradox of people pleasing is that we go to such great lengths not to be abandoned by other people… but then as a result, abandon ourselves. Isn’t that truly heart-breaking? That we are abandoning the one person who should matter most to us in life – ourselves – in order to gain approval of those who, at the end of the day, matter less?

The process of breaking the conditioning

Me shedding the people pleasing wasn’t done overnight. And the deeper this pattern runs in your system, the longer it might take to break it. But the awareness is the first step, and the fact that you are reading this blog post means that you are already moving in the right direction – and I am so proud of you!!

Here are some practical tips how to get started:

• Start small. Say ‘no’ to one little thing this week that you actually don’t want to do, and notice how the world doesn’t collapse.
  
  
• Pause before saying ‘yes’. Ask yourself: ‘Am I doing this from love, or from fear of rejection/judgement?’
  
  
• Face the mirror, look yourself deep in the eyes and repeat daily: ‘My needs matter just as much as anyone else’s.’

For me, breaking free was a gradual practice of strengthening my self-worth, having firm boundaries, saying ‘no’ way more often, getting clear on my own needs and wants, and always (or as often as possible) putting them first.

The uncomfortable truth is this – no-one is going to come and set you free. No-one is going to come and start putting your needs first. 

What I’ve learned is that it ALWAYS starts with you. You need to set the standards for yourself and show other people how you want to be treated. You go first, and then the others will follow. 

An ongoing practice

And it might not always be easy. People might still keep pushing your boundaries and trying to walk all over you, especially if they have been able to do so in the past.

At the same time, people might also be triggered by your self-assuredness and your confidence in saying ‘no’, setting boundaries and speaking up for your needs and wants. 

This could be because your new way of being highlights their own people-pleasing / self-abandoning tendencies. And instead of doing something about it, they project their discomfort back on to you. Or they might be triggered by not being able to ‘use you’ (whether they were doing it consciously or unconsciously) any longer. So this is certainly a muscle that requires on-going strengthening.

As someone who has become really good at putting my own needs and wants first, I still need to keep reinforcing my boundaries with my own mother who still lives a deeply conditioned life, acting a lot based on ‘obligation’ or other people’s expectation. While it’s her freedom to keep living that way, I keep reminding her that other people’s expectations and opinions don’t dictate my life choices – neither small nor big. 

And while my truth makes her uncomfortable, it is my truth regardless – and I have an unwavering commitment to following it in all aspects of my life. And I cannot tell you how much peace living in such deep alignment with my values brings me on a daily basis.

Keep your heart open… without self-abandonment

And to be clear, despite what the headline suggests, I’m not saying that you should stop being kind and caring. Not at all. In fact, keeping an open heart filled with love and compassion is one of the best things you can do for yourself – AND the people around you.

(Because here’s an important distinction – boundaries don’t equal putting up walls around your heart. Boundaries mean that you honour yourself and are not making others happy at the expense of yourself. But completely closing off your heart would also keep all the good from others from reaching you.)

Here’s the thing. I know how deeply you care about the people around you, and that is such a beautiful thing. But you know what serves EVERYONE the most? When you take care of your happiness and satisfaction first. When you ask for help and support, when you tell your partner how to meet your needs… and when you set boundaries with your kids, parents and employer.

By valuing yourself, you are teaching others to value you as well. And when you prioritise your happiness, you will become a lighthouse that will be able to emit so much more light to the world than someone who is bitter and drained.

I truly want you to know – you are a beautiful, precious gift to the world. Not because of what you can do for others, but simply because you are who you are. So how about starting to treat yourself accordingly?

The world doesn’t need more ‘good girls’ – it needs more women who are fully alive, unapologetic, and rooted in self-worth. 

That woman is in you. And it’s time to let her lead.

P.S. If this is something you would love support with, this is exactly the kind of stuff we can work on during an in-person VIP Day (either in London, or elsewhere in Europe)

—-

YOU MIGHT ALSO BE INTERESTED IN:

>> Why waking up at 5am won’t fix your life (but this will)

>> How Human Design opened my eyes to soul-aligned living (as a Projector)

>> Sensitivity: not a weakness, but a superpower

>> Feminine vs. masculine energy – insights that changed my life